The poem on the back of the envelope:

In this letter:

The joy of romantic love!
On different penis sizes!
More night time urine disasters!
Condom follies!
Money and work!
Awful Germans!

The letter inside the envelope, written over time:

Dear Prospective Homosexual (you know who you are),

Words that apply to you
Uptight
Intelligent
Prone to nervous laughter
Distant
Self sacrificing
Obsessive
Prone to studying like a dog

Words that apply to me
Warm
Open
Insightful
Relaxed about nudity

Did you know that in China they leave the bathroom door open because it is impolite to shut anyone out?
Can you find out how prostitutes keep their vaginas from getting sore? I can’t figure this one out!
Isn't that hilarious about Phil keeping those tampons left over from his last girlfriend and the cat litter from his dead cat around still?
I don't know what you're telling me about Phil calling the Aids hotline “all the time.” The man is straight and his “2 rubbers” comment is just more of his buddy-buddy bullshit.
I agree that women are noisy because it is culturally acceptable for women to express their emotions. Just remember that in Catholic cultures, a lot of women just lay there. Have you ever noticed that even when some women don’t come they make more noise than the men make when they do come? A lot of women are not that noisy though. Moaning with ecstasy is seen by some as being very un-masculine. I think it's a turn-on though.
Speaking of Phil, he is finally getting it. He met this cute little (as he puts it) schizophrenic at a party about a month ago. We’re getting along just fine now. I'm thinking about all the times he talked about blow jobs and you accused him of being a sexist! He just told me they sell these little condoms that just go over the top of your penis for blow jobs! Yes, he plays a clear headed banjo, to answer your question.
That guy at work told me that in India it’s real wild to have homosexual sex-- much wilder than here! Men wear these dress type garments and so it's very convenient and they have sex everywhere-- especially on the buses! Isn’t that a hoot? It turns out that that guy's lover is a well known gay activist who has a weekly talk show on cable for gays. I'm invited to his birthday party. I wish you were here; we'd get you out of the closet yet!
Phil's girlfriend is having some kind of chronic liver problem and huge crying jags.
No, I don't believe for a minute that you go down on your so-called girlfriend during her period. I know you are eager to prove your heterosexuality but don't you think that is taking it just a bit too far? It’s not really necessary.
Okay, I asked that ex-hooker at work about the prostitutes getting sore and she said that #1) they use KY jelly all the time and #2) men who go to hookers typically don’t want conventional sex. That they can get at home; these guys are looking for something a little more exotic or kinky-- something oral, maybe a hand job, an enema, some spanking-- something along those lines, and who can blame them? Who wants something just laying there night after night? Others are just into hugging or talking, or getting and giving backrubs. What's your opinion on women screaming in bed?
I met Maria at the Sunlight Cafe last night, so I could hear her new boyfriend's band. When I went in, I kissed her and gave her a rose and her boyfriend thought I had the hots for her. He didn’t strike me as the jealous type, not by any stretch of the imagination, but she told me later that he was relieved to find out that I was only her “little gay friend.”
I took Maria and her banjo playing boyfriend with me to the birthday party. He was the only straight man there. Maria thought it was funny being the only woman at a party and not getting hit on but having her boyfriend get hit on! He told some pretty hilarious stories about hitchhiking and having truckers offer him their services. On the way out of the party, the elevator man looks at Maria and says, "What’s a nice girl like you doing at a party like that? You couldn't pay me a hundred bucks to go to a party like that." Turns out he was talking about the “Aids Party” all night long to anyone who rode the elevator so now the residents are trying to get him fired, poor slob.
(There were some awful smelling Germans there, too, in case I failed to mention it. What do they have against deodorant anyway is what I'd like to know.)
The other day, Phil and I picked up Maria and her boyfriend for a concert and the first thing he said to the boyfriend was, "You look happy! You look like you just got a blow job!" That guy’s got a one track mind, I'm telling you.
Turns out Maria was in this well known porno movie. She had to have her pussy pierced for the flick. By the way, she can't believe you go down on your girlfriend during her period either, and this girl's been around! Anyway, she recently started wearing her pussy ring again. She told a bunch of us, including Phil. What a mistake! She got her Tarot cards read at the Uranian Embassy the other night and there was mention of a fair young man. She said, "Hmmm...who could that be?" (because, you know, her banjo man is swarthy) so I said, "Why it’s me! Your fairy young man!" She thought that was a crack-up.
I can't believe you think Phil keeps that old box of tampons around just to prove his masculinity to himself. Are you kidding? That guy is straight! I doubt very seriously that he ever goes down on anyone during their periods, though.
I know I enjoy making noise; it's the nature of the beast. I think I relate to women well because of this knowledge which I possess about being the “insertee” as you call it. We are the ones being penetrated after all. It's our guts that are getting pushing around in there. I personally enjoy this feeling and I like to sing, so therefore, it feels perfectly great to make a lot of noise about it. In the case of the actual orgasm, I sometimes find it helpful to be quiet and concentrate on that in that moment, but it's never really the focus or the point of anything, at least not for me. Maria says she likes to spread out her legs really far and wide open and even toss them over her head when possible-- she's a bit of a contortionist I gather-- but the hooker at the office says she likes keeping hers together and squeezing tight. Frankly, I can't imagine either of these things. I like standing up against rail fences best, or bedsteads when fences are scarce. I do, however, find it to be a tremendous turn-on when men make a lot of sounds when they come. Also mutual talking during intercourse. Is this different for women, I wonder? Probably depends on who you talk to.

Love,

B.




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